Greetings and welcome to Kevin’s Korner. Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.
Well, here it is. What the world no one was waiting for. At long last, I reveal my picks and prognostications for Election Day. Subject to change based on actual results.
Mitt Romney vs. Barack Obama: Obama looked away from his teleprompter for a few seconds and his mouth cost him again. Now he wants his supporters to vote for “revenge”… Well, I’d like to avenge the future generations who have been shackled with Obama’s massive debt and deficits … I’ve thought all along that Obama will carry Iowa and I’m going to stick with that pick … However, there is a path to victory for Romney without carrying Iowa. I believe he will find it.
Evangelicals: Most evangelicals are intelligent enough to foresee the dire consequences of a second Obama term, but a few self-righteous and self-proclaimed “true conservatives” will refuse to vote for Romney. Therefore, they will aid the reelection efforts of our most liberal president ever.
Media Shilling for Obama’s Hurricane Response: Although the death toll keeps rising, millions are without food and electricity, and support is nowhere to be found for many victims as freezing cold temperatures move into the northeast, the media will spend ridiculous amounts of time praising President Obama’s response to Hurricane Sandy on the Sunday morning talk shows. Guaranteed.
Steve King vs. Christie Vilsack: Carpetbagger Christie held a “Welcome Home” rally in Ames on Saturday. Odd location, and a little premature … But then, the Story County Dems aren’t very good about locations … There will be another homecoming celebration for Mrs. Vilsack on Wednesday … We’ve even prepared a special video to commemorate the occasion:
After she loses to Congressman King, I predict Mrs. Vilsack will move out of Iowa’s Fourth District quicker than you can say, “I don’t know what the prebate is.”
Tom Latham vs. Leonard Boswell: I’ve thought all along that Latham would send the Boz into retirement, but after Boswell advocated for raising taxes on the middle class, raising the gas tax and was accused by a fellow lib of bribery, it’s hard to see how Boswell doesn’t lose.
Considering his Gollum-like obsession with power, I also predict Boswell will go off script in his concession speech, and it will sound eerily similar to this:
Lange vs. Braley, Archer vs. Loebsack: I think the congressional races on the eastern side will be close, but sadly, I predict the Dems hang on to these two seats.
Iowa House: The GOP will continue to hold a large majority, but at least one candidate in what should be considered a reliable Republican district will lose.
Col. Al Ringgenberg vs. Mike Gronstal: Although there is no such thing as voter fraud, my clandestine, ubiquitous informants tell me there have been “irregularities” with absentee ballot requests by Democrats in Pottawattamie County … Colonel Al will make this closer than Gronstal and even Iowa GOP Senate leaders thought possible, but some voter shenanigans will push Gronstal over the top.
Matt Reisetter vs. Jeff Danielson: This Black Hawk County race is one of many hotly contested ones in the Iowa Senate. Reisetter ridiculed Danielson’s pathetic attacks with a great speech Friday. I predict Danielson will have plenty of time to challenge people to drinking contests after he loses his senate seat on Tuesday.
Iowa Senate: When all the dust settles, Republicans will hold a 25-24 advantage, while leads us to …
SD 22 Special Nominating Convention: The Paulistinians will try to get one of their own selected, but he/she will gain no traction … Senator Pat Ward’s widower, John, has joined a long list of candidates interested in this seat … I’m not going to pick who I think will win, because that would likely be the kiss of death, but whoever wins the nomination will also win the special election in December, although it won’t be as easy as many think. At last, Republicans will have their long awaited majority.
Iowa GOP State Central Committee: At least three members will not vote for Mitt Romney, in violation of the Republican Party of Iowa’s bylaws. (Article VI, sec. 3, b)
Judge Wiggins Retention Race: It’s a pretty simple formula for figuring this one out. When Bob Vander Plaats’ name is on the ballot, he loses. When Bob Vander Plaats is supporting the effort but not on the ballot, he wins. Translation: Bye, bye Justice Wiggins.
Star Wars, Episode VII: Disney purchased LucasFilms last week and announced a new Star Wars movie for 2015. This new film will be much worse than the original trilogy, but much better than Episode I. This is the easiest prediction I’ve ever made.
The Kansas City Chiefs: It might not happen this week, but after Thursday’s 4th quarter meltdown in San Diego, this once proud franchise has sunk to new depths. Ownership will clean house, getting rid of head coach Romeo Crennel, GM Scott Pioli and mascot KC Wolf …
After QB Matt Cassel gave the game away on Thursday, there’s no intelligent reason for Crennel to not at least throw former Hawkeye QB Ricky Stanzi in there to see what he could do. Even Hall of Fame QB Len Dawson was calling for Stanzi to be put in during the radio broadcast. It’s not like he could do any worse than Cassel.
My Fantasy Football Team: Now that Arian Foster is back from his bye week, we will bounce back in a major way from our first loss the season.
That’s it for this week. Don’t forget to vote on Tuesday. Hindsight explains the injury that foresight would have prevented.
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