Greetings and welcome to Kevin’s Korner. It’s that time of the year, where many of us make New Year’s resolutions. My personal one is simply to have a happier, healthier year than the previous one. But I do have some suggestions for other folks. As with most New Year’s resolutions, I expect few of these to actually be followed, but the world would be a better place if they were.
A.J. Spiker: I would resolve to learn from the mistakes of my first tenure as RPI chairman and vow not to repeat them in my second term. That would require breaking away from the Campaign for Liberty apparatus and focusing on those goals you spoke of the day you were first elected.
Barack Obama: I would resolve to sign a new executive order, overturning the ridiculous executive order I just signed that gave federal workers a raise. Earth to Barack: Joe Biden, the members of Congress and federal employees do not deserve a raise, no matter how small. They should have their pay slashed.
Eric Holder: I would resolve to immediately tender my resignation as attorney general and admit my culpability in putting guns in the hands of Mexican gang members who killed Brian Terry in the Fast and Furious scandal.
Fair Tax proponents: I would resolve to push harder than ever for an overhaul of the tax system.
GOP State Central Committee members: I would resolve to start doing my job. That means going out to the counties that I represent and listen to Republican activists outside my little circle. I would then stop thinking about my own personal preferences and political aspirations, and start making decisions for the good of the entire Republican Party of Iowa.
Hillary Clinton: If I ever recover from my “concussion”, I would resolve to finally come clean with the American people about what happened in Benghazi.
Iowa Hawkeye football fans: I would resolve to stop being whiny b____hes and realize that Kirk Ferentz is still one of the best coaches in college football and Iowa is lucky to have him.
John Boehner: I would resolve not to cave on the fiscal cliff or capitulate to the liberals on other key legislation. Now is not the time to compromise our principles.
Kevin’s Korner: I would resolve to stop picking on the Paulistinians. Like I said in the intro, most resolutions don’t last.
Lee County: I would resolve to secede from Iowa and join Missouri. You fit in much better on the other side of the border.
Matt Schultz: I would resolve to keep up the good fight.
Next Polk County GOP Chairman: I would resolve to focus most of my attention on the races we can win.
Occupy Des Moines members: I would resolve to take a bath and find a good psychiatrist.
Paulistinians: I would resolve to leave the cult.
Quentin Tarantino: I would resolve to keep making awesome movies, but try to lessen my use of the N word.
Republican National Committee: I would resolve to learn from the mistakes of the 2012 election and make damn sure they do not happen again.
Steve King: I would resolve to remain in the U.S. House, where my seat is safe for a long time. As much as I admire King, I do not think he could win a statewide election.
Terry Branstad’s campaign team: I would resolve to spend a lot of time preparing for the 2014 GOP state convention. Otherwise, Branstad could be stuck with a lieutenant governor other than Kim Reynolds.
Undecided voters: Do these people really exist? I would resolve to make up my freaking mind.
Vander Plaats, Bob: I would resolve not to run for governor, or any other political office, ever again. 0-5 is a bad enough record. There are better things to focus your attention on. The life issue, especially.
Wannabe GOP presidential nominees: I would resolve to build alliances with a wide swath of Iowa Republicans. Caucus night is just three short years away.
X: I resolve to not do any more A-Z themes in my columns, because it’s too hard to think of something that fits with X.
Young voters: I would resolve to educate myself on the issues and not just accept what the mainstream media spoonfeeds me.
Happy New Year!!
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