By Emily Geiger
Given that we are in the midst of movie awards season, I thought it would be fun to put a present-day Iowa spin on some movie classics.
Deckmate 1: We’ve hit an iceberg. Let’s get as many people as we can into these lifeboats while we can!
Deckmate 2: What an evil idea! We should do nothing until we figure out how to save everyone.
Deckmate 1: But some idiot PR person didn’t put enough lifeboats on the ship for everyone because he thought it cluttered up the deck and made the ship less aesthetically appealing. It’s literally impossible to save everyone, but the ship is actually sinking right now and we have the means and opportunity to save a lot of lives with the boats we do have.
Deckmate 2: I will not compromise! We save everyone or we save no one. You are an evil milquetoast squish who is willing to settle for the lesser of two evils.
Deckmate 1: I can’t believe I’m going to spend the last minutes of my life arguing with this moron instead of saving innocent lives…
Fire Chief: Terrorists have hit the twin towers of the World Trade Center with two commercial airplanes. We need to get our guys in there and help as many people out as possible!
Mayor Giuliani: Can you save everyone in those towers?
Fire Chief: As bad as the situation is, probably not, sir. There’s probably 10,000 people in there, and we might be able to get 7,000 out, but we’re likely to lose around 3,000 people. We’re going to have to do the best we can with what we’ve got.
Giuliani: That’s not good enough! You know what, don’t even waste your time saving anyone if you’re not going to be able to get the whole job done.
Fire Chief: Sir, are you telling me to let all 10,000 die because we’d only be able to save about 7,000 if we gave it our best efforts?
Giuliani: I’m going to conveniently avoid answering that question. All I’m going to say is that the ultimate goal should be to save everyone. We should be focusing on that and nothing else.
Fire Chief: Huh?
Giuliani: If you save those 7,000 people who are easily rescued, you’ll be murdering that last 3,000 you wouldn’t be able to save anyways.
Fire Chief: Huh?
Giuliani: You wanting to save those 7,000 is evil!
Fire Chief: Sir, have you been hit on the head with falling debris?
Giuliani: No, but I did spend some time in Iowa recently.
Oskar Schindler: So, I was thinking I could use my vast fortune gained from war profiteering to bribe Nazis and save a whole bunch of Jewish people from being sent to certain death at Auschwitz.
Itzhak Stern (Schindler’s confidant and adviser): Do you have enough money to save all of the Jews?
Schindler: Um, no. But I do have the means and opportunity to save a whole bunch of them.
Stern: You are a Jew killer, Oskar Schindler! I can’t believe you would take the position that it’s okay to save some Jews when you know that many more are still being slaughtered.
Schindler: Okay, maybe you didn’t just hear me. I said I was going to save as many Jews as I could. I’d love to save all of them, but the reality of the situation is that I can only save some, so I think that is a worthwhile endeavor.
Stern: Murderer! What an unprincipled coward you are. You are an NSINO (Nazi subversive in name only).
Schindler: Are you freaking kidding me? Would you rather have me let the Jews I can save go off to the gas chambers?
Stern: I’m going to conveniently avoid answering that question and again call you a murderer!
Schindler: Have you ever thought about doing talk radio?
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