Greetings and congratulations. You made it. In case you hadn’t heard, yesterday was the apocalypse. That means you, this column, and Donald Trump’s hairpiece were the only things that survived… Now, your mission, if you choose to accept it, is go find a way to repopulate the earth. This task was appointed to you, and if you do not find a way, no one will…
The only place a real apocalypse happened this week was inside Newt Gingrich’s campaign… Actually, I think the reports of Newt’s demise are premature. More on him tomorrow… Fortunately for Newt, Rick Santorum beats him out for the Stupid Statement of the Week Award. He said John McCain “doesn’t understand how enhanced interrogation works”. Ummm, Rick? McCain was a POW in Vietnam for 5 ½ years. He dealt with an unbelievable amount of “enhanced interrogation”. I’m pretty sure he knows exactly how it works… BTW, I think McCain’s stance on waterboarding is wrong, which is what Santorum was trying to say. But he bungled it. Badly.
Does The Donald read TheIowaRepublican.com? Of course he does. Need proof? Last week, I wrote that Trump’s political career was as dead as the animal pelt on top of his head and the Iowa GOP should dump him from the Lincoln Dinner. The next day, seeing the clear wisdom of my scribblings, Trump announced he would not run for President. He reneged on the Iowa event three days later. Coincidence? I think not… Other prominent readers of this website include Barack Obama, “Campaign” Carl Cameron, and Jared from the Subway commercials. I hear he likes Krusty the Konservative.
I got roped into watching American Idol this season. Never again. None of the four best people made the final three. Then, the best of the final three got eliminated Thursday. This show sucks… On the other hand, we had 2nd row seats for Elmo & Sesame Street friends at Wells Fargo yesterday. Cookie Monster rules!! Though, some who read last week’s column equate me more closely to Oscar the Grouch.
Former New Mexico governor Gary Johnson picked up a key endorsement this week from … Willie Nelson??? After the announcement, they cranked up some Cypress Hill, passed the bong around, and spent all of Gary’s campaign cash on Twinkies and Cheetos… Unfortunately, it seems Gary gave Willie some ditch weed. Nelson retracted his endorsement later in the week.
On a related note, a Pittsburgh school teacher found 18 bags of heroin in a 7-year old’s backpack. Word is, Ron Paul made a personal phone call to the kid and asked him to “join the revolution”.
Former Mitt Romney staffer Chris Slick publicly expressed his disdain for Iowa this week, in vulgar terms. After TheIowaRepublican.com posted what he said, Slick decided to bury Mitt even deeper in our comments section… He claimed he has no connection to “Romney and his camp”. Just one problem, Slick. You repeatedly used the terms “we” and “our” in referring to the Romney campaign. That means you consider yourself part of the team. Whether you’re on staff or not, you’re publicly representing Mitt. And doing it poorly… Oh, and Mitt’s a coward if he doesn’t try to win Iowa.
The New Hampshirites and Floridians are trying to convince the world that Iowa doesn’t matter. Try telling Hillary Clinton that Iowa doesn’t matter… Speaking of Hillary, she gets major props from me for the first and probably last time. Jimmy Carter tried to get a meeting with her to lobby on behalf of his dictator friends in North Korea. Hillary’s response? “HELL no!!” Is Jimmy Carter the worst president, and ex-president, ever? HELL yes!!
Tim Pawlenty, or as one prominent state central committee member calls him, “Romney-lite”, will announce his candidacy tomorrow at the State Historical Society. That’s the same place Terry Branstad announced his 2010 run for Governor. Apparently, “Originality” will be one of the main themes of T-Paw’s campaign. Word is, he will also grow a mustache and tour all 99-counties in an RV.
Nice to see Kent Sorenson join those “evil” folks trying to protect Iowa from the country’s most notorious late-term abortionist. Sorenson didn’t just fight for the bill. He all but challenged Mike Gronstal to a Hell in the Cell match. In honor of the passing of the “Macho Man” Randy Savage, I’d like to see Sorenson give Gronstal a flying elbowsmash from the Senate chamber balcony…
Kent, since you backed a bill that some of your biggest supporters called “evil”, your journey to the dark side is now complete. TheIowaRepublican.com founder Craig Robinson pushed Sorenson the hardest to stand up for this bill. So does that make him Palpatine? More importantly, can I be Boba Fett? That would be cool.
Speaking of Craig, congrats to him and his wife Mandy on their recent 9th wedding anniversary. Mandy must have the patience of Job. Nine years??? I can’t even stand nine minutes with the guy… Finally, since you survived the apocalypse and everyone else is either gone or a zombie, you could probably use some good news. Click on this link for the amazing story of an Alabama woman whose house was destroyed by a tornado. She’d been searching for her cat for three weeks. Amazingly, during the interview, she found him. I love a happy ending.
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